Please Help me with my phone wahala

I BEG NO LAUGH ME O...
I just need ur
advise...
My Blackberry dey chop my battery like yam!

na him I come vex yestaday sell
am, come take some money buy
China phone! Now am in bigger
trouble!!!
1. E go full after 3 minutes of
charging.
2. The phone get TV, Touch screen,
Nail cutter, Firelighter etc.
3. I fit write Text message with a
toothpick sef.
4. The spelling get mistakes e.g
NokLa, blackderry, i-pon, samswag
etc.
5. When aeroplane pass e go record
"One missed Call".
6. When a big car horn; e go show
"Charger connected"
7. When Chinese man pass e go
show: "One Bluetooth device found"
8. When fine lady waka pass, e go
show "WiFi On"
9. When ugly lady waka pass, e go
show, "Virus detected"
Abeg I wan sell am! Who wan buy
ooo?
Even as I dey find buyer, e dey
show me for screen say "No contact
found"
Pls abegi what I should do???